What you gain from losing...

My friend, Daniela, and I lost our fathers in 2001, about a month or so apart, and it was one of the most devastating things to go through. Not only did I lose my father, my mentor, my best friend, but to know that someone close to me was experiencing the same thing made it burn twice as hot. Emotionally, I had to focus on myself during that time, and I didn’t have the capacity to focus on Daniela. It was heart wrenching to know this person needs your support more than ever and I just couldn’t give it the way I wanted to or knew that I should.

To add fuel to the fire, a month later, another best friend calls to tell me her father passed from brain cancer… And then just weeks later, my other close friend calls to tell me her mother passed away from a freak accident… And only weeks after my father died, his good friend’s wife called to tell me that her husband was hanging on by a thread. What was going on?

2001 encapsulated the darkest hours of my life. It is a time that I am thankful, in so many ways, for being able to close the door on and distance myself from, but it is a year that re-visits me on a frequent basis and still causes a lot of pain and anguish which I will probably carry with me for the rest of my life.

When you lose someone close to you, whether it is a father, mother, brother, sister, friend, etc. it affects you and changes you in ways you could never imagine. Your support system bottoms out and you have to learn to transition into trusting, loving and being supported by the other people around you. It is difficult and it is painful.

There are these moments that wash over you with such raw emotion that is can be awe-inspiring and so heart breaking at the same time that you can barely catch your breath. For instance, six years ago, I was attending a dear friend’s wedding. During the reception, I had to leave the room after she started to dance with her father. I was so overcome with happiness for her and sheer and utter sadness for myself, that I couldn’t contain my emotions. My father was never able to walk me down the aisle or share a first dance with me. Why? Why couldn’t I have had those moments to cherish forever and does my friend understand how truly special this moment is in her life?

Or those frequent moments when I so desperately want to ask for my father’s advice. What house should I buy, which job should I take, which investment is the best… down to the mundane … , which lawn mower is the better buy, what dog food do you think is best, should I cut my hair or leave it long?

But what I realize is that so much of me is me because of him. So whether he is physically present or not, he is always helping me form the decisions I make every day. And so, when I ask myself the question that always brings me to tears, even now as I write this, “Are you proud of me, Dad?” I realize his influence is so strong in my daily life, that he has to be, because he is guiding me every day.

But today, Daniela needed guidance from me. She called today because she was struggling. She is trying to cope with the emotions of her loss as she is simultaneously trying to help one of her close friends who just lost her father. I sat and I listened and I could relate on so many levels.

Sometimes we take on the pain of others in order to relive the circumstances in our own life, in hopes that maybe this time I can get it right and come out on the other end healed, better, safer and less weak. And then other times, we take on the pain of others to protect ourselves, and distract ourselves, from the reality of our own situation, like how do I wake up in the morning and put a brave face on, how do I get through the day, how do I survive the next minute?

In reality, as Daniela and I discussed, it is a double edged sword. In one way with the passing of every year, we become stronger individuals as we distance ourselves from the pain of those days when you find out you have embodied a character in a tragic tale. On the other hand, we become more possessed by the fact that the gap is widening on our loss. Will I forget, do they think I have forgotten, can I have another chance to see their face or hear their voice? The tug of war on your heart can be daunting and exhausting, but at the end of the day, no matter how long you let the grief affect you and how low you sink on those inevitable“bad days”, you come out on the other end a stronger person in more ways than you could ever imagine. You never walk in the same shoes again.

So to all you folks out there who had the heart and grace to read this post, remember….Love your friends, your family and yourself with everything that you have to give. And when they are gone, let them know, and remind yourself daily, that they are never forgotten.

Dad you are my hero and I love you always…..